Is there a part of you that needs fulfilling
and yet can not be fulfilled?
There are certain things about myself that are constant. They have been a part of me for the full length of my memories. They are the things that make me smile, that lighten my burdens and even at times make me giddy.
I love toile, in any color and any design.
I love music. Classical, Opera, Musical Theater and Celtic are my favorite genres, but I like just about anything that speaks to me.
I love reading. Although I do spend more time reading light hearted subject matters since giving birth to my first born. She brought empathy into this world.
I love all things Irish and English.(Scottish and Welsh for that matter)
I love art, classic literature and period movies.
My favorite color is green and has been my whole life.
But the one love I can not feed… going to church on Sunday.
I crave that once a week reset button, the opportunity to socialize in a very different way than the casual interactions that happen in the rest of the week. I love the music and singing, I love the older churches where the building itself has taken on all the energy of the past parishioners. I love a truly spirit filled human who offers up their experience and lessons for us to ponder and implement in our lives.
The longer I live, the greater my hunger to study and know all the spiritual texts of the world becomes. Although with each new lesson my beliefs alter a bit. The one constant is Christ and that is most definitely a comfort. It is also the greatest hurdle in spiritual self fulfillment, for there are as many ways to live Christ like as there are Christians it seems. Even those that sit side by side on Sunday disagree on the meaning. This makes finding a place of worship difficult to be sure. But it is not the reason I am unfulfilled.
I live in Utah and am not Mormon.
Finding another religion or church here is nearly impossible. There is a point about 2 miles from my home, where you can count 9 steeples by sight belonging to LDS meeting halls. There are few church home offerings here and they seldom thrive aside so many well funded LDS churches. So for now, I sit here missing my former church. Some of you might find it strange, that on Park Avenue in New York City I found a church that offered a true Christian experience. But I did and I left it only to find myself in a sea of Mormonism.
So the point is this, since I was young I have been going to church, even at times against my parents wishes. One of my teenage rebellions was to join a church my Father did not respect. That need is a part of me and it is laying dormant while I hope and pray I will be transplanted elsewhere so that I may find my true shibboleth.
36 thoughts on “A Part of Me is Missing”
Love this. You write so well. Thanks for sharing so deeply and bravely. Praying you will find a good place.
I need church in my life for reasons you described. Since I was a teen, I visited many churches to find one that could feed my soul. Without God’s word, I’d starve emotionally. It is my desire to attend seminary to become a pastor when my kids are older. For now, I am fulfilled only when I am striving to be the person for which I am designed. Knowing that I am where I am supposed to be for now in teaching my kids and caring for my family, I am able to get through my moments of feeling stagnant.
Your post is so heart-felt that you seemed to have plucked my thoughts, put them under a microscope and put words to them better than I ever could verbalize. I pray you find a place where your soul can be quenched.
Thank you for the understanding. I too have a family and small farm to care for, more than enough to keep me busy.
It also reminds me how much my little ones are missing by not having some place as well. I remember the first time I went to a hundred year old Methodist church as a child. It had floor to ceiling organ pipes, velvet pew covers, hand carved oak everywhere and looked like a castle in my tiny eyes. Or the Missionary Baptist church who sang the old time hymns,the music leader who sang like he was fresh out of “O’ Brother Where are Thou” and the pastor that got red faced when he told us how “damned” we were. Not my style, but it was an experience. I am lucky to have had parents that took us to just about every church in a 30 minute radius. I just don’t have anything like that to offer my family here and that is definitely something I pray will change.
Can you find a quiet place away from worldly things and perhaps study, pray and worship alone? Would your family understand? What if you had a day (all day) where you made it the Lord’s day and did what you find to do in the Scriptures? Try reading from my blog to see if you find anything there to encourage you and fulfill your need. Keep searching.
We do all those things as a family, but I want a place, a building, a community. It’s not necessary, it’s just something I’ve always had and no longer do. Thanks for the encouragement.
You write so beautifully, Deidre. I remember when we had moved away from my beloved church, I searched and searched, but couldn’t find what I was looking for. I missed the companionship, the authenticity, and the accountability i had before we moved. Thankfully, we moved back, so I’m back at my church home. It must be difficult for you. On a side note, we must be long lost sisters, as I am also obsessed with all things Irish, Scottish, British (have you seen my kids names??), and I have always loved the color green, too.
Well I could have guessed, you’re a red head. Green be the color for us lasses. I did notice your kid’s names and love everyone of them! I knew we had even more in common!
You bring up a very good point, authenticity. That’s what I look for too and it is so rare. It is hard in general as I’m not a typical Christian by most Christian’s standards. I don’t think there is one way to be, live or worship. I think as long as you are truly searching for God’s answers and work hard at loving without judgement your good as gold in my eyes. But here it’s nearly impossible with so little to choose from. My hope is we will be back in the Northeast by the end of Summer. Plenty to choose from then!
Move to Pennsylvania!!
LOL. We are considering it! Although New Jersey is a little closer to Hubby’s office, we have family there and the homeschooling laws are nil. But, we want 10 acres or more and New Jersey taxes are crazy high. So we’ve been looking north of Philly around Easton and around Bangor as well. It could happen!
I’m only 20 minutes from Easton!!
You really do write beautifully. I have been meaning to “check you out” …and now I have. You got yourself another follower! Is it okay even if I AM a psychopath? 😉
I am not nearly as cool as you and Shelly…but I love green too!! Can I play?? hehehe
I hope and pray that you find what you are looking for! I love this line you wrote: “The one constant is Christ and that is most definitely a comfort.” What a beautiful thing it is. And even more to be among those who KNOW it. God loves you! And I am….well…kinda fond of you myself!! 🙂 What you need to fulfill you is out there. I know it is! I just don’t know the who, what, where, when, or whys… Keep on, sista! Good things ahead!!
😀 <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 😀
Thank you Virginia! I doubt very seriously you are a psychopath, although a little crazy is a good thing in my book. Sanity is overrated!
I appreciate the kind words. You always give me a giggle and can’t wait to read what you think of my next posts. Grateful to have you as a follower.
I meditate and I am fulfilled by it and cannot meditate enough.
Ah, meditation, yes, definitely good for the soul. I have 2 small spirited, opinionated and active little girls. I am definitely in need of meditation! At this point a cup of coffee and time alone with the computer is about all the solace I get.
Just one question?
Have you ever attended an LDS meeting? I am just curious and you say you have attended so many others. If you haven’t, why not?
I have, many times throughout my life and in many states.
I know that answer begs the question, why then do I not attend LDS meetings here? Given the tone of your question, I gather you are LDS. Just checked your blog, yes you are. So I’ll refrain from answering entirely and say this. Before moving to Utah I adored every single member I met. My best friend of 14 years is Mormon. I have hired and suggested my bosses hire people I would discover are LDS, knowing they would be incredible coworkers and friends. I spent the first 2 years of my college life feeding young men on mission in my apartment complex. We actually chose Utah because it was predominately Mormon. The Book of Mormon is among the spiritual texts I study and have read both Pearl of Great Price and Doctrine and Covenants. I am not in anyway ignorant of the tenets of your faith or it’s people.
I purposefully left out my feelings about Utah Mormons. I am not in the business of disparaging someone’s faith, especially one I believe still has a great beauty to offer the world.
I understand completely. I was just curious. You spoke of how many LDS churches were in the area but that there was no church for you to go to. It just seemed a little odd, and honestly gave the impression that you thought there was something wrong with the LDS faith. That’s all.
I always feel like I am chiming in when…well, nobody asked me. Maybe it’s just all in my head. But dang, Deidre! You really do write well!! I love your above comment about the Mormon church and your experience with it. I wish I could put my thoughts to words as well as you.
I am Mormon…but I do not live in Utah. I HAVE lived in Utah..and well, let’s just say I am glad I am raising my kids here in another state, Missouri. There is a lot to this and no way I am going to attempt it here. That said…I DO think there are some great LDS peeps in the land of Utah (heck, some of my family is there…but I guess they are kinda strange.. ;p).
I understand where you are coming from, Deidre. Completely. xoxo <3
First of all, you write conversationally. It is so easy to feel your humor and kindness. I really do think you need your own blog. Especially as I would love to hear your thoughts on having lived in Utah and Missouri as a Mormon, as well as why Christians can’t get along. Those are great topics!
I actually don’t like making blanket statements, like I did above. I have no doubt there are men and women of God inside the walls of every one of those 9 steeples I mentioned. To be perfectly honest, if I was to lay down my story it would be a story of heart break. I did not like what I discovered in Utah. Before moving here I had a dream of what I would be bringing my children to and what their life was going to be like. It was squashed.
You are always welcome to chime in. I like when my comment section becomes a communal conversation. Most people just comment and walk away, which is fine, but not Virginia. Love that about you!
I was a teenager when I moved out there. I too had high expectations. Over the years I’ve wondered if that led to…what it led to. Maybe someday we can share our stories..
Oh…and btw…I’d love to chime in MUCH more, but then I would hate myself for not getting my work done…
I truly want to hear your story. I would ask for it, but I think you should save it for a blog post. Seriously, get a blog!
I keep thinking about starting a blog. But WHO has time for that?? 😉 JK
It’ll happen. Maybe. And you and Shelly will be my 2 followers…and it will be AWESOME!! 😀
You are sweetness! Hugs <3
We’ll be a little blogging trio!
Yes, Virginia. Join the ranks! It sounds like you have a story to tell, and we’d love to read it!
I think you and Deidre are internet angels. So sweet and supportive. And don’t forget… goooooood lookin’!!!!!!!!!! 😉 xo <3
Honestly Virginia, it’s you who offered support first. That is why Shelly and I are so drawn to you. You’re the supportive one.
@ Virginia- Deidre’s right. It’s so nice talking to someone who is always encouraging and uplifting. You are amazing! And so are you, Deidre!
It is so inspiring to me to have read this blog. Deidre, you certainly do have a way with words…you know how to connect thoughts into words…and i personally have never been able to do that with diplomacy…I am 69 years of age and grew up in church….went astray for a few years thinking I wanted to have “fun” and later too busy for an every week attendance…not to mention my spirit knew I was living in error of God’s word. So in desperation I came back and found out He was the reason why I was not happy…Have been living His way since. He is my solace in everything. He is my reason in everything. And I am finding He can be my church when I have no one else to “fellowship”. I have gotten to old to drive and we live “on a mountaintop in Tennessee”. When I first moved her I was still driving and went to a few of the churches around here…but some I visited just lacked in what I was needing. I now am confined to watching via TV and internet…this is not for fellowship but for learning…and keeping my mind from wallowing…I moved here because i felt it was God’s will at the time…and I for one feel and believe that if God wanted me elsewhere I would be…so I have learned to be content…and to learn what He has for me here…it is not always easy…but when He does move me elsewhere I will learn what He has for me in this place at this time…it sometimes is real work to be content…I raised 6 children…they are scattered about the country…and thanks to internet and telephone I stay connected to them…but their lives and survival do not permit the closeness I always felt would be mine in my aging process. So here I wait on the Lord….keeping myself content in my circumstances…and still learning daily…thanks for being so open in your posts…I too enjoy all things green, and Irish and English…old English…and Jane Austen…and the thoughts of living in those days…I do come from that heritage also…from both parents…If I had your way with words there would be a book in progress…
Diplomacy is not innate in me. I am missing that mechanism in the brain that processes words before they tumble out of my mouth. That is why a blog and writing works for me, I’m able to edit. I promised myself 3 things when I started this blog, I would always respond to anyone who felt compelled to share their thoughts, I would never moderate comments (unless they were really heinous) and I would put every effort into making this blog positive, even when I’m venting or sharing my opinion. Which is difficult, since being opinionated lends itself to judgement, which in and of itself is negative.
I envy you. You have 6 children grown. I like to believe there is a peace that comes with knowing your children are grown and able to take care of themselves. I’m sure most Mothers would agree, that no matter the age, a Mother always worries, but I have 2 little monkeys. They climb, run away in parking lots, chase everything that strikes their fancy and are curious to a fault. I love how spirited they are, but in a world of dangers and predators it keeps me worrying. I like to think at some point there will be some peace. Even if it is just lessened.
“So here I wait on the Lord….keeping myself content in my circumstances”. How does one get to this point? Does it come with age or resignation, can it be found in the young or middle aged? Or is it just a matter of experience? Another reason to envy you, I have yet to find a place of contentment.
I spent some time on your blog and am looking forward to reading more. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing yourself. This maybe my favorite comment. You were so completely honest with who you are and shared your personal story. It’s not often I meet people who do this in real life, much less on my little blog.
First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to visit my blog yesterday! Second, I wanted to let you know that I can completely and totally relate to how you feel. Although I am not personally following a Christian religion, I also yearn for the religious acceptance and the social connection with those of my own religion that I had when I lived in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Here in NC, being anything other than southern Baptist or Lutheran means you are one of the lucky few if you are able to find a religious group or church. While my own “church” has never been in a building, my own beliefs lead me towards nature, finding God in the trees, streams and those quiet, out of the way places where I can commune in peace and find my own inner peace where I feel more “connected”. I know it may seem hard to accomplish that inner peace and quiet in a group but believe me, it happens and leaves you feeling more connected to those around you as well! I do miss that, and the general camaraderie of those who follow a similar path, just as you miss that feeling and social aspect of your old Church. That relaxing and reassuring “reset” at the end of the week was wonderful, and I miss it dearly. I have been trying to create my own but honestly it is difficult. I sincerely hope you are able to find your own alternative if you choose not to move to an area where your religion is more prominent.
I only have one little monkey but I agree with your thoughts above, the peace that I hope comes when he is grown and I can rest in the knowledge that I have prepared him for a life where he can take care of himself. I have faced the world of predators more than once and someone actually tried to abduct my son from our front yard when we lived in Maryland and he was three years old! Luckily, I was right there and my English Mastiff scared the guy away but that was one heck of a reality check! Our children are so precious, and so vulnerable, and we must each and everyone one of us, do our best to protect them and raise them the best way that we can! Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and your life in your blog, it is comforting to find someone with whom I can relate to so easily!
One comment after another! Thank you for your honesty and sharing. I can’t imagine it’s easy finding a spiritual connection in most places being Pagan. Although the Romans did an excellent job of accepting most of your rites, rituals and symbology. You’d think you’d be welcomed considering most Christians are practicing Pagans. I’m actually doing some research now on just how much Christians practice Pagan rites as well as the use of the cross as our main symbol. I say our, I’m with you, God is not found in a man made building. I’ve always said if you walk into a forest and don’t feel God you are dead inside. Sounds harsh, but even the most devout Baptist can’t deny the connection that is felt in nature. I’ve always thought it ridiculous that man will kill 100’s of trees put them together in the form of a building and then call that, the house of God. Even so, I miss it. It’s one of the reasons my new dream is to own more land. I want to be able to disappear into the woods and not hear the noises of the world.
The story of your son makes me cringe. This is why we have a Rottweiler mix, Sir Lancelot. Good luck getting near my girls! It’s a scary world we live in, oddly enough most people don’t see it that way. In my neighborhood children as young as 18 months are left alone to play IN the street unsupervised. The number of times my neighbor has knocked on my door to ask if I knew where her 2 year old was, would make you cry. But that’s Utah, I see people lose their children all the time. There is never a moment of fear, most of the time they just send a sibling only a few years older to find them. Most people here seem to have some sense of protection even though it’s completely unfounded. We are 3rd in the nation for registered sex offenders.
I have to say I am so grateful you took the time to write and really share something about yourself. It’s odd, most people don’t do that, but 2 in a row is most definitely a blessing. I spent some time on your blog and am going to read some more. Thank you, thank you. Glad to meet a kindred spirit!