Site icon Anam Baile

Wreck Your Life

I have, sitting in que, 5 other posts I’ve written in these last few days. Thoughts are flying from me, and it feels like flying. I called it that by mistake this morning.

I haven’t engaged in something this creative in many years and it suits me despite my terrible grammar. I write like I think and sometimes it’s all over the place. To sit at a desk, to type, to see thoughts form in front of me, this feels good and right. Something bulldozed into my life and I can’t stop writing. I can’t stop.

I’ve neglected all of my obligations. I cooked two meals, maybe, I can only remember one. The laundry is high, and the litter box is bad and I’m ok with that? Which is another new thing for me. Here’s what holds me back from creativity, I need everything perfect first, all of my housewife duties complete before I engage in hobbies etc. “I can not create in chaos.” I would tell myself. But that perfect moment never comes, because the next day the chaos creates itself all over again. So I’ve been in a loop. I have hours upon hours of catch up work, there is chaos around me, and I’m in a state of bliss!

Which makes me wonder, if life isn’t less about how we orchestrate it and more about seeking those things that destroy it? Destroy is a harsh word, but I have on a few occasions did what I refer to as “wreck my life”. It’s when I didn’t like what was going on around me, so I just left it, left apartments, people, and jobs.  On a few occasions, all three at the same time.

At 24 I broke up with my fiancé, moved out of my apartment to the other side of the city and started an entirely new kind of job. At that job I met a new group of people and we had the time of our lives until the dot com burst and we went our separate ways. All accept one. I found a soul connection in that group. She has been with me all these years and just moments ago was helping me to analyze social media. Because of her I met my husband and had my precious babies. I wrecked my life and found another.

We all create safety in our lives. It makes sense, we are bombarded with fear mechanisms so we protect our existence, putting the pieces of our lives in some fort of protection, but we are always readjusting, trying to get everything back in place when something upsets our game board. Maybe we should spend more time looking for those things that wreck our way of life, setting us free from something we were never supposed to be tied to in the first place.

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